Revenge. Such a sweet succulent word. The kind you want to lie back in a comfy chair and say over and over, slowly and with varying accents. Like elbow or Maraschino cherry, Ipswich, Rose Marie Crampavitis. But none of these other words conjure up the dirty little feelings that revenge does – the sweet, squinty eye, giddiness that it employs. Some nights I lie awake thinking of how to get back at people. Not really anyone who has ever done me wrong, but just how to fuck somebody over in an inconvenient manner. A friend of mine told me of a fellow he knew once who was writing a book on the subject. He had a few nasty little things that had my head spinning. Here are but a few that I remember.
The Exploding Carton of Milk
This revenge requires the weather to corporate with you. Get a small carton of milk, just a single serving carton. If you have the keys to the object of your derision, by all means head on in and place the carton under the seat, or in a crevice somewhere that it would not be found easily. Then wait. It might take a week, or more but that carton will eventually expand and explode. The resulting conclusion will be that of sour milk on warm vinyl and industrial grade carpet. That’s a smell that keeps on giving.
The Exploding Carton of Milk inside the Car Engine and or Air-Conditioning duct. You get the idea.
For The Birds (The Feeding Frenzy)
We all know someone who cherishes their car more than life itself and will run you down, run you over or claim that going three blocks out of his way to drop you off at your door is too much wear and tear on his delicate machinery. Well this is yet another vehicular slight. There is nothing birds love more than seeds, crumpled bread and lots and lots and lots of berries all spread out on a platter, especially when that platter is the roof and hood of your enemy’s car. Imagine not only the mess of having to clean up the remainder, but also the caked in bird shit.
Missing the Bowl and Hitting the Tank
This is without a doubt, one of the more disturbing things I can imagine doing to someone. I hear that it is pretty common in rest stops in rural parts of the Mid-West and South. Instead of placing your bottom on the toilet seat bowl, you lift the lid of the tank and drop your little brown package. This is the one that bothers me the most because eventually, somebody will have to stick their hand in and clean it out, because 1,000 flushes are not enough. Now all this talk about pooping has made me ponder how we humans relate to our waste matter. Nobody likes anybody else’s shit. To all you teenagers still experiencing sweaty palms and heart palpitations of the object of your affection across the room, here is the harsh reality. If you were locked in the bathroom with them and they had to take a shit, would you still love them the same? Maybe you will, or maybe you will always think of that moment every time you think of them. No matter how in-love we get, nobody likes smelling other peoples shit. And I think it is a very necessary holdover from our ancestors. Shit and piss was, and still is used by animals to demark territory and some serious ass whooping if intruded upon. With this I propose that our Military Industrial Complex stop making self proliferating weapons of mass destruction and start spraying the boarders, north and south, east and west. Then if that doesn’t work we should turn every toilet in the country into funnel for making shit bombs, the kind that get air lifted in large brown paper bags and set on fire before they are dropped on any country, any state, any building to keep the masses in line. It is a more humane form of destruction and one that will galvanize the enemy into submission. Anybody can make bombs that blow up and tear you apart. But Imagine the Chilean air force sent a squadron north under the cover of darkness and laid some serious shat on San Francisco? Yeah, far fetched, but my friends, what would you do? What would you do? Just ask the monkeys at the zoo. They got it all figured out. Just a thought.
Speaking of WMDs, here are some pranks that can be defined as classic that almost every kid by the age of 17 should have gotten out of their system.
Classic Pranks.
The Burning paper bag of poo. Let me recommend cat shit over dog shit. You cat owners know which stinks the most don’t you?
The Flat Tire
Place a pebble inside the cap of the tire nozzle and wait a few hours for your victim to find themselves driving on a flat tire. Do this for several days, but not in a row.
Have a Piece of Chocolate.
Exchange X-Lax for candy. This one is tricky. It requires cunning and a slight of hand. Make sure your enemy sees you taking a bite of the real candy, therefore lulling any suspicion out of the equation. Better yet, to place a piece of candy in a wrapper and eat from said container. Remember; do not eat the X-lax.
Naan And Curry Dinner
Order the spinach and eat it all.
