OBSERVATIONS OF A NON DRINKER, NON SMOKER, NON DRUG USING FRIEND.
So last night I was invited to dinner party. I love dinner parties.
Anytime I can get together with friends and their friends in a
welcoming atmosphere, far away from the Bar and the booze and the
endless wasted nights in such establishments, is a triumph. And to be
honest, those days are long behind me and I only went there for the
music and to dance anyway. Now, when a gathering of friends involves
food and potentially meeting someone your colleagues think might be a
match for you, well hell, that’s icing on the cake. Expectations were
high. The eternal optimist flashed his winning smile. I didn’t think
of it at the time, but I was also wearing my jacket with the two
condoms in the sleeve pocket from New Year’s Eve. No, it didn’t even
occur to me. But there I was, anticipation was at a moderate level. I
had met this potential romantic interest twice now. Both times were
brief. She’s a looker and the right age, mid-30s.
Okay, so the night had a series of evolutionary turns, starting with
Jambalaya. Wonderful, food that fills the gullet. Then onto a game of
poker with 8 people, of whom maybe 1 and 1/2 knew the rules but
barely. This is where the collective wisdom of the group can always be
counted on to make a decision for good or bad. You decide. By the hour
of 10 and 30, it had become apparent that more people were invited to
this event than I expected, mostly the male variety and carrying a six
place (place generic beer conglomerate here) of your choice.
Now, I try not to be judgemental of people, especially when they are
friends of some people I tend to regard with respect, but at a certain
point, usually after beer number 2, fun is no longer fun but a slow decent into social hell as
those around you begin to show the effects of alcohol’s poisoning and the
consumption of other mind altering drugs. For one thing, the
fundamental question I have to all drinkers, be they heavy or light
social sippers, is this. Why do you drink? No really. That’s it. Why
do you drink? Are you an alcoholic? If not, then why do you continue
to drink, knowing that the distilled spirits industry is as corporate
as shopping at the GAP, as corporate as buying the latest Celine Dion record; as corporate as putting
your hard earned credit card on the latest Hummer to roll of the
assembly line? Why do you think you need to drink? Who told you that you had to in order to relax around your own friends.
Without giving away all the details, let me say this was a mild
event. Even so, neighbors complained about the noise and the cops were
called to the house twice. But that’s skipping over the true nature of
my disdain for the drink.
Do you equate freedom to drink and smoke pot as your inalienable right
to chose in a democracy? Who’s democracy anyway? Some company who
employs tens of thousands and spends hundreds of millions on worldwide
advertisement surely isn’t giving you a choice. You really don’t
believe you have a choice do you? Belgian beer. German beer. American,
Canadian, Mexican. Light beer for women. Tall smooth brew. Hearty
robust taste. Great Taste, less Filling. These are all slogans thrown
together by guys and gals with vastly superior education to the ones
you and I got in public schools, catholic schools, you name it. They
have our number and they play it ever day we wake up with a jingle in
our heads, before you reach for your morning (place corporate logo here) coffee
or tea. No, these aren’t the folks we used to give wedgies to in high
school. These are the George Bushes, the Rockefeller’s, the Geddy’s
and their offspring of the world keeping us in line, buying their
products to keep them on top. Sure, they got their business degrees
but only after they dropped out of art school and the family brought
them back into the fold, game them a job where they wouldn’t be in a
position to fuck things up. Now here they come slinging catch phrases
thought up in focus groups. No one wants to think of themselves as
sheep, especially if they are hipsters, yuppies, artists, outsiders,
insiders, the cool kids, the disaffected, the brainy ones, the
slackers, the slouchers the momma’s boys and girls, rich kids,
trustafarians, the disinterested, responsible fathers, single mothers,
rich, poor, marginal, overly educated, Christian, Jews, first generation, hyphen-American, generation come
and gone, X, Y, Z and next. We all are niche markets ripe for the
plundering of useless goods and services that only see us as a rich,
untapped fertile ground waiting to be culled.
I for one am ready to make my stance against drugs, drinking,
smoking one that is not just a personal choice anymore. Not buying
into the industrial alcohol and drug complex is no longer just a
personal choice. It is time to take my message to the streets and to
the airwaves. For one, I am sick and tired of you (the user) ruining
parties, gatherings, personal relationships, families, a good time
with your vices. Shit, eat more chocolate, have some cheese, eat meat.
I am tired of your instability, your constant need to consume. I do
not want to kiss your lips after you placed it on some strangers’
bong, which looks like it has never been washed, much like the last 3
people in the room who left their saliva and skin oil all up in the
orifice of said device. I know where I have been. I don’t know where
you and your phycotic roommate have been. Did you all just have a
conversation about doing crack? Jesus, am I here alone. Oh wait, I
don’t believe in you anyway so get out of my rant. Oh, man it’s time
to go home. Oh, hello officers. I was just leaving.
Next time you put that bottle you your lips, I wish you would ask
yourself. Do I really have a choice? Did I ever? Furthermore, do you even know how they make the stuff? Aren’t you curious? Did you ever think of making it yourself? Why not?
By the way, not one hand of poker did I win. Not one hand. But the
food was good. Oh, and I still have my two condoms. The eternal
optimist will have to wait another day.
